I have been pondering the idea of home for almost a month now, and a couple of weeks a friend asked me where home is for me.
There are a lot of ideas about home: home is where the heart is... home is wherever I'm with you... home is where you grew up... home is where your parents live... home is where you spend the most time... home is where you sleep at night... home is where you pay your bills. All are certainly legitimate answers, and all are certainly true at some point or another. But I'm finding now that defining home is difficult these days.
For the past four-and-a-half years, home has had a duel-definition of my parents home, where I grew up, and APU, where I have lived for the majority of the last four-ish years. For a short time, home was in Germany. Now, I'm moving into a new season of my life, a transition period. In two days I start my final semester of college. After that, it's into the "real world" for me, whatever that means. Where is home?
For now, APU is still home, but it's starting to feel less and less like home. It's not the people, it's not the school, and it's not the community. I still love APU, and I'm going to miss it immensely when I graduate. But it's the season I'm in. I am already in process of transitioning away. I didn't realize this until my friend asked me that question a couple of weeks ago, and I thought about where home is. I thought about school, my parent's house, even Heidelberg, and right now none of them really feel like where I belong. I have shallow roots in so many places, and I feel ready now for a steady routine and a place where I can really put down deep roots that will be in place for a while.
So I suppose, in a sense, I am homeless. My heart is in many places. I have friends and people that I love in many different places. My parents live where I grew up, but I pay bills where I sleep and spend most of my time. I don't have one home, and I feel like a nomad, wandering from home to home with no deep roots or intention to stay for an extended time at any of them.
They say your 20s are the hardest time of your life: the world says you should know what you want to do now that you have a college degree, but you don't really even know, even though you thought you did a few years ago. So I suppose this feeling comes with the age. It's just a season. But it sure is a weird feeling.
Grace and Peace,
Suz
Saturday, January 10, 2015
Monday, November 3, 2014
...And You Shall Have Rest
Rest. It's something that really is missing in our culture. That said, it's not really something we notice is missing, or something we really know how to do. Rest is not equivalent to sleep, although sleep can be restful. Rest is intentionally taking time out of your day to not do anything. For me as a student, that looks like intentionally setting aside time to not do school work: not think about it, not plan for it, and not do it. I've gotta admit, it's hard! Midterms were a couple of weeks ago, so I have been going nonstop for about three weeks now. Resting has, unfortunately, taken a bit of a back-seat to everything school related. I have had so much to do, and I was gone from school for about a week for a funeral, which means on top of preparing for midterms I was also playing catch-up. To make things even more fun, we do not have many holidays during the fall semester. We usually have a Study Day about mid-semester - a day in the middle of the week on which classes are cancelled and students have the opportunity to catch up on homework or rest in some way. Our Study Day this year has been lumped together with Thanksgiving break, which means no breaks from September 3rd to November 26th. I didn't realize how much I needed a break until I didn't get one!
This weekend, I was able to rest. But it was kind of an accident. Last weekend I had so many grand plans to get so much homework done, and almost none of them got accomplished. I had nothing else going on, but for some reason I just couldn't get everything done. Because of this, I was stressed all of last week. This weekend, a couple of friends came to visit me at school for a concert on Friday night. They stayed overnight and we spent Saturday together, hanging out at my apartment, taking a campus tour, and visiting downtown Pasadena to celebrate a birthday. I knew that they were coming, and I also knew that I had a lot of school work to get done as well. I couldn't really do school work while entertaining guests for the weekend, so I didn't worry about it. I did have to meet with some classmates for a group project due this week, but other than that I did absolutely no school work on Friday afternoon and Saturday. I didn't worry about it, I didn't think about all the things I had to get done for school, and for those two days I didn't do any of it (save the group presentation). I took the time to rest from school, even though I was doing other activities. And you know what? I feel so much less stressed this week! My anxiety level is far below where it was last week. I still have the same school responsibilities and things to keep up with, but taking the time to rest and give myself a break from the stress of school was much to my benefit.
Here is my takeaway: we often don't rest because we don't have time. How could we possibly fit in an intentional time of not doing anything related to what needs done when there is SO much that needs done!? The less we rest, the more busy and stressed we become. When we actually take the time to rest, our stress level goes down and we are able to get everything done more efficiently, and maybe even prioritize things. Some things may just go away (none of mine did, but I suppose it's possible). I have noticed the same thing is true in the intentional time I spend seeking God. The busier my life becomes with school and work and relationships, the less time I spend with God. But when I cut that time out, I don't become less busy. Instead, I become more busy and more stressed! I have learned that when I become more stressed and busy, I have to fight even harder to spend time with God, and even increase the amount of time I spend seeking His face.
"Come to me you who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest."
Grace and Peace,
Suz
This weekend, I was able to rest. But it was kind of an accident. Last weekend I had so many grand plans to get so much homework done, and almost none of them got accomplished. I had nothing else going on, but for some reason I just couldn't get everything done. Because of this, I was stressed all of last week. This weekend, a couple of friends came to visit me at school for a concert on Friday night. They stayed overnight and we spent Saturday together, hanging out at my apartment, taking a campus tour, and visiting downtown Pasadena to celebrate a birthday. I knew that they were coming, and I also knew that I had a lot of school work to get done as well. I couldn't really do school work while entertaining guests for the weekend, so I didn't worry about it. I did have to meet with some classmates for a group project due this week, but other than that I did absolutely no school work on Friday afternoon and Saturday. I didn't worry about it, I didn't think about all the things I had to get done for school, and for those two days I didn't do any of it (save the group presentation). I took the time to rest from school, even though I was doing other activities. And you know what? I feel so much less stressed this week! My anxiety level is far below where it was last week. I still have the same school responsibilities and things to keep up with, but taking the time to rest and give myself a break from the stress of school was much to my benefit.
Here is my takeaway: we often don't rest because we don't have time. How could we possibly fit in an intentional time of not doing anything related to what needs done when there is SO much that needs done!? The less we rest, the more busy and stressed we become. When we actually take the time to rest, our stress level goes down and we are able to get everything done more efficiently, and maybe even prioritize things. Some things may just go away (none of mine did, but I suppose it's possible). I have noticed the same thing is true in the intentional time I spend seeking God. The busier my life becomes with school and work and relationships, the less time I spend with God. But when I cut that time out, I don't become less busy. Instead, I become more busy and more stressed! I have learned that when I become more stressed and busy, I have to fight even harder to spend time with God, and even increase the amount of time I spend seeking His face.
"Come to me you who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest."
Grace and Peace,
Suz
Tuesday, September 30, 2014
Highs and Lows
Wow. So much has happened just in the last two weeks.
The UCO choir had the concert with the Angeles Chorale the second weekend of school, which was an amazing concert and time of ministry to the family of Justin Carr. The Angeles Chorale gave their first concert of the season, and UCO joined near the end of the concert, in a flash-mob in the middle of a piece. It was fantastic. After standing up and singing "I believe!" in the middle of the Credo of Robert Ray's Gospel Mass, we made our way down out of the audience onto the stage, where we finished the Gospel Mass with the Angeles Chorale and an ensemble of top-notch, highly sought-after musicians.
This past week was the fourth week of school, and over the weekend, UCO had our debut concert as UCO/34. It was fun to be on the "other side" of being a UCO member; last year I was so nervous about remembering all of the music and singing while standing amidst the audience, but this year I was able to enjoy it more because I knew what to expect.
My dad was able to come to our concert. It was the first actual UCO concert that he was able to attend. My parents were both able to go to Celebrate Christmas last year, which is the APU School of Music's yearly Christmas concert, but UCO usually goes out to churches on Sunday evening and ministers there. The debut concert was much more similar to one of our normal concerts, so I was very glad that my dad got to be part of that.
My mom was supposed to come as well, but my grandfather's health has been quickly failing over the past couple of weeks, so she flew to Missouri the prior weekend. She and my dad we able to come for dinner the night before she flew out, so we celebrated both our birthdays that night. I am glad she did fly out, because yesterday morning my grandfather died peacefully at his home in Missouri with my grandmother by his side. I desperately wish I had been able to visit my grandparents one more time before his passing. I am flying to Missouri tonight at 11 o'clock for the funeral that is taking place tomorrow afternoon. I will have the rest of the week to spend time with my family, which I am grateful for.
So the high, and the reason I couldn't fly to Missouri sooner this week: On Thursday night I got a text message from my choir director, John Sutton, saying that he had been asked to find some singers to accompany the LA Children's Choir at the opening concert for the 2014-2015 Los Angeles Philharmonic under Gustavo Dudamel. The concert is a John Williams celebration, and all of the music being performed is by him. We had a piano rehearsal yesterday with the children's choir and Dudamel, with John Williams himself there giving notes on the performance of the piece we were working on. There are 20 of us, from a few of the choirs Dr. Sutton directs, to give support and added depth to the piece the children's choir is performing. I am truly honored and amazed at this opportunity. Right now I am sitting in Starbucks, working on homework (sort of) in the in-between time of this morning's dress rehearsal and tonight's performance. They have worked in several surprises, which I am not allowed to disclose ;) but I am so excited for tonight's concert. We are sitting in the first two rows directly behind the orchestra, so we get to watch Dudamel conduct. Watching him in the hour-long rehearsal this morning brought me so much joy already, and I cannot wait to see and hear the rest of the program.
After tonight's concert, I am going straight to the airport to catch a red-eye flight to Missouri. The juxtaposition of these two events in my life is astounding. I am going from what is quite possibly the greatest amount of joy someone could experience apart from God, to the deepest sadness that a person could possibly experience. I see this concert as a wonderful opportunity, but also as a gift from God, saying, "My child, I love you so. For just a little while set aside your sorrow and allow me to bless you." And for that, I am truly grateful.
The link to the information about tonight's concert is here.
The UCO choir had the concert with the Angeles Chorale the second weekend of school, which was an amazing concert and time of ministry to the family of Justin Carr. The Angeles Chorale gave their first concert of the season, and UCO joined near the end of the concert, in a flash-mob in the middle of a piece. It was fantastic. After standing up and singing "I believe!" in the middle of the Credo of Robert Ray's Gospel Mass, we made our way down out of the audience onto the stage, where we finished the Gospel Mass with the Angeles Chorale and an ensemble of top-notch, highly sought-after musicians.
This past week was the fourth week of school, and over the weekend, UCO had our debut concert as UCO/34. It was fun to be on the "other side" of being a UCO member; last year I was so nervous about remembering all of the music and singing while standing amidst the audience, but this year I was able to enjoy it more because I knew what to expect.
My dad was able to come to our concert. It was the first actual UCO concert that he was able to attend. My parents were both able to go to Celebrate Christmas last year, which is the APU School of Music's yearly Christmas concert, but UCO usually goes out to churches on Sunday evening and ministers there. The debut concert was much more similar to one of our normal concerts, so I was very glad that my dad got to be part of that.
My mom was supposed to come as well, but my grandfather's health has been quickly failing over the past couple of weeks, so she flew to Missouri the prior weekend. She and my dad we able to come for dinner the night before she flew out, so we celebrated both our birthdays that night. I am glad she did fly out, because yesterday morning my grandfather died peacefully at his home in Missouri with my grandmother by his side. I desperately wish I had been able to visit my grandparents one more time before his passing. I am flying to Missouri tonight at 11 o'clock for the funeral that is taking place tomorrow afternoon. I will have the rest of the week to spend time with my family, which I am grateful for.
So the high, and the reason I couldn't fly to Missouri sooner this week: On Thursday night I got a text message from my choir director, John Sutton, saying that he had been asked to find some singers to accompany the LA Children's Choir at the opening concert for the 2014-2015 Los Angeles Philharmonic under Gustavo Dudamel. The concert is a John Williams celebration, and all of the music being performed is by him. We had a piano rehearsal yesterday with the children's choir and Dudamel, with John Williams himself there giving notes on the performance of the piece we were working on. There are 20 of us, from a few of the choirs Dr. Sutton directs, to give support and added depth to the piece the children's choir is performing. I am truly honored and amazed at this opportunity. Right now I am sitting in Starbucks, working on homework (sort of) in the in-between time of this morning's dress rehearsal and tonight's performance. They have worked in several surprises, which I am not allowed to disclose ;) but I am so excited for tonight's concert. We are sitting in the first two rows directly behind the orchestra, so we get to watch Dudamel conduct. Watching him in the hour-long rehearsal this morning brought me so much joy already, and I cannot wait to see and hear the rest of the program.
After tonight's concert, I am going straight to the airport to catch a red-eye flight to Missouri. The juxtaposition of these two events in my life is astounding. I am going from what is quite possibly the greatest amount of joy someone could experience apart from God, to the deepest sadness that a person could possibly experience. I see this concert as a wonderful opportunity, but also as a gift from God, saying, "My child, I love you so. For just a little while set aside your sorrow and allow me to bless you." And for that, I am truly grateful.
The link to the information about tonight's concert is here.
Members of APU choirs and the Angeles Chorale with Dr. Sutton last night at the rehearsal. Dr. Sutton chose this spot because of the epic photo of Dudamel in the back.
This is my life! How immensely blessed I feel!
Someday I will have a phone with a better camera on it. Until then, this is just going to have to do. This is John Williams, conducting the LA Phil on one of his pieces from Star Wars.
Grace and Peace,
Suzannah
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