Updates, Part 1 is important because it gives an overview of my life last semester, which I failed to keep up with. Part 2, however, I think is more important because it brings you more up-to-pace with my life now.
As I mentioned in the other post, I had a hard time with school in the Spring. I just didn't want to be in school. I realize now that last school year was just a bad year overall transition-wise. After coming back from Germany, I had all of that to process and transition out of, while also transitioning back into American culture and dealing with reverse culture-shock. Then starting the fall semester, I went in knowing that after becoming so close with Kristen, I would only be able to see her about once a week when she was on campus for a few classes. There was also the looming, my-roommates-that-I-have-lived-with-for-four-years-are-graduating-without-me feeling. I realized a few weeks ago that one reason the Spring semester was so hard was because I was mourning those friendships I was about to lose. Apparently, I was trying to escape from that (hence the, I-want-to-pick-up-and-move-back-to-Europe feelings I had). I didn't know I was the flight rather than fight type.
So there was that. I was also mourning the imminent death of my grandfather, who is not doing very well health-wise. His health started going downhill quickly in the Spring, and I was unable to visit him this summer because the week my parents went was the week I was in Rhode Island for the wedding. A happy week, but overshadowed by missing out on precious family time. I'm still mourning that, and bracing myself for what's coming.
On top of all that, I absolutely hated Organic Chemistry. If the class was structured differently I think I would have understood more and done better, but it wasn't.
So there you go. I basically said all of that in the other post. So here comes the new stuff:
After four years of preparing myself to go to medical school and much longer of anticipation and mental preparation, this summer I decided that I am no longer going to pursue medicine.
The process to letting go of this calling actually started two years ago, when I wasn't taking a science at all because I was studying abroad in the Spring, and there wasn't really a point in taking the first half of a class and then coming back to finish the second half in the summer. So that whole year I was able to focus a little more on music. In Germany it was more like an intense focus on music, because the culture is so strongly influenced by the arts. Being there and then coming back and preparing to take a science again got me thinking about a life of doing music, instead of medicine. There you go. The wheels started turning, the ball started slowly rolling, and the thought in my mind began to grow and grow. Music became the only thing I wanted to do, but I sort of ignored that thought last Fall. Maybe I thought it would go away.
Then Organic Chemistry happened, and I hated life and didn't see how I could ever get into medical school with a C on my transcript in one of the only 4 classes I needed to get in. I was starting to give up, but I didn't want to give up completely on what I believed to be God's calling for me. That was the end of the Fall semester. I was so burnt out, and didn't get any rest or refreshing over Christmas break. Which leads to my post about last semester. Hop over that to the beginning of the summer.
So this summer, I was still processing. I had been back from Germany for a year, and I was still pretty much as confused as I was when I got back. About mid-semester, I was in Organic Chemistry in the Spring and I suddenly realized while sitting in class, "I am so glad I'm not a science major anymore." I made a decision almost four years ago to pursue music, and I am so happy with that decision. Thinking about that realization this summer, along with the desire to do something music related and the quickly growing absence of desire to do medicine, I started to consider ending my pursuit of a medical career. So when I was driving past the hospital one night with my dad after a movie with him and a couple of friends and I got a sick feeling at the idea of ever working in a place like that, all of the pieces finally fell into place. The thought of working in medicine put a huge, heavy weight around my neck and physically made me sick to my stomach. The thought of giving up medicine completely released the weight from my neck and made me feel lighter and free. I decided to fast and pray about it for a week. If by the end of the week I didn't feel any different about giving up medicine, I would go ahead with my decision. My feelings didn't change, so I did not study for the MCAT this summer and I did not enroll in the last science I would need to apply to medical school. I am so happy with my decision. I feel like now I can do anything I want. I have the whole world at my fingertips, which is terrifying for some, but is so freeing and exciting for me.
So that's where I am now. No longer pursuing medicine, but instead focusing intently on music this final year at APU. I don't know what I am going to do when I graduate. Maybe I will go back to Germany and teach music at a small school there, or maybe I will move to Washington and work in a coffee shop and take yoga and have my own garden and bees. Maybe I will go to culinary school, or maybe I will get a job in the music industry here in LA, or maybe I will get involved in music ministry. Maybe I will do some combination of those things, or maybe I will do none of them. Who knows? I can't wait to see what God brings me this school year, and where he takes me when it is over.
Grace and Peace,
Suzannah
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