The last time I blogged was in December. The last time before that was October. I'm not very good at this whole keeping-up-with-blogging-on-a-regular-basis thing. Unless I do keep up with the months of silence at a time, which I suppose could be considered a "regular" basis.
My last post was a recap of the rest of fall semester. I was on Christmas break, and enjoying the month of vacation I had. Maybe I enjoyed it too much. Maybe I was burnt out (yes) and didn't recover properly (very likely). When I started classes again in January, I had no desire to do anything. I didn't want to read for classes or go to classes or study for tests. It wasn't just a "I don't really feel like it right now" feeling, but a complete apathy towards school. I have never in my life experienced something like this before. I have always been quite motivated and even excited for school in the past, but spring semester was a completely different story. It was weird. I contemplated that perhaps it was depression. I had a daily battle with the desire to drop everything, drop out of classes, hop on a plane, and move myself back to Europe to find a job in a coffee-shop. That was the only thing I desired. Seriously. To be a barista somewhere in Europe, preferably the in United Kingdom or Germany.
Well I didn't drop out of school. But I did finally go see a campus pastor at the end of January to start talking through what the heck was wrong with me. I met with Pastor Jannet about eight times, and I probably cried through our meeting five of those times. It was humiliating at first, but so necessary. We came to the conclusion that my desire to leave APU and return to Germany was stemming from a sense that when I was in Germany, I felt like it was where I belong - a feeling that has apparently been lacking most of my time at APU. The main reason for that has been that, because I have been dividing my time between science and music for the last four years, I haven't been able to really invest in relationships with people in either department. I didn't really fit in the science department because, well, I wasn't a science major, and was simply taking basic science classes to get into med school. But I also didn't really fit into the music department because, while music is my major, it's not my plan for after I graduate. It's a means to an end, almost like a hobby-major to get me a bachelor's degree so that I can apply for med school. So there you go.
So I basically pushed through the semester as best I could. I was taking the second semester of Organic Chemistry, which I still hated with a fiery passion that burned deep down inside my soul, but I did my best, and even pulled a B on one of the tests, which was a happy surprise, since I was sure I failed that test. I was taking 19 units again, although I was technically registered for 18. I didn't really have a choice. It was either take 19 units, or risk getting in trouble for not taking a class that my entry-year's catalogue says I don't have to take, but later catalogues say I must. Although, an actual 18 units would have still been way too much with Organic Chemistry contributing almost a third of those units.
One of the hardest parts of the semester, perhaps contributing to my desire to leave, was the looming fact that all four of my roommates, two of whom I lived with for all four years of APU, were graduating without me come May. Awesome. Don't mind me crying in the corner over here. Plus, another friend in the area is planning to move to France with YWAM sometime soon (originally it was the fall, but that may have changed now), so there go all my friends. Gosh, I need more friends. Good for me, God thought of that (or course he did!), and while I was letting go of my roommates all semester, I was making new friends, several of whom are in my major and I will be graduating with. Those friendships blossoming in such a hard time have been and will continue to be such a blessing to me.
So graduation came. It was a hard couple of weeks (dead week and finals week). I was a mess. Motivation was difficult. I was exhausted and burnt out. Each day I was hanging on until sleep-time. When finals did come, I had five, almost non-stop, on Monday, beginning at 7:30 in the morning and ending at 10 at night. I had three more after that, spread over the next three days, and I was finally finished at 8 PM on Thursday night. Finals were over, but the emotional roller-coaster of the week was far from over. Friday I had to pack my life up to get ready to move everything home with my parents on Saturday, while simultaneously packing for UCO tour, which began on Sunday afternoon. Friday I went to my roommate's pinning ceremony for nursing. Saturday, UCO sang for both the graduate and undergraduate graduations, which meant standing in the heat for about two and-a-half hours each time. Saturday our apartment was full of family members pretty much all day while my roommates and their families got ready for graduation. I did get to stay for the undergrad graduation after we were done singing, and I'm glad I did. Saturday night I was emotionally and physically exhausted. Sunday I said a very emotional goodbye to my roommates and then dragged my wheel-less suitcase to the trolley stop to leave for tour.
I made it through the semester with my GPA intact, if nothing else. It was sooo difficult. The circumstances of the past year and-a-half have led to where I am now, which I will go into more in the next post (hopefully tomorrow). And hopefully I'll add photos tomorrow as well!
Grace and Peace,
Suzannah
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