Home Is...

I have been pondering the idea of home for almost a month now, and a couple of weeks a friend asked me where home is for me.

There are a lot of ideas about home: home is where the heart is... home is wherever I'm with you... home is where you grew up... home is where your parents live... home is where you spend the most time... home is where you sleep at night... home is where you pay your bills. All are certainly legitimate answers, and all are certainly true at some point or another. But I'm finding now that defining home is difficult these days.

For the past four-and-a-half years, home has had a duel-definition of my parents home, where I grew up, and APU, where I have lived for the majority of the last four-ish years. For a short time, home was in Germany. Now, I'm moving into a new season of my life, a transition period. In two days I start my final semester of college. After that, it's into the "real world" for me, whatever that means. Where is home?

For now, APU is still home, but it's starting to feel less and less like home. It's not the people, it's not the school, and it's not the community. I still love APU, and I'm going to miss it immensely when I graduate. But it's the season I'm in. I am already in process of transitioning away. I didn't realize this until my friend asked me that question a couple of weeks ago, and I thought about where home is. I thought about school, my parent's house, even Heidelberg, and right now none of them really feel like where I belong. I have shallow roots in so many places, and I feel ready now for a steady routine and a place where I can really put down deep roots that will be in place for a while.

So I suppose, in a sense, I am homeless. My heart is in many places. I have friends and people that I love in many different places. My parents live where I grew up, but I pay bills where I sleep and spend most of my time. I don't have one home, and I feel like a nomad, wandering from home to home with no deep roots or intention to stay for an extended time at any of them.

They say your 20s are the hardest time of your life: the world says you should know what you want to do now that you have a college degree, but you don't really even know, even though you thought you did a few years ago. So I suppose this feeling comes with the age. It's just a season. But it sure is a weird feeling.

Grace and Peace,
Suz

...And You Shall Have Rest

Rest. It's something that really is missing in our culture. That said, it's not really something we notice is missing, or something we really know how to do. Rest is not equivalent to sleep, although sleep can be restful. Rest is intentionally taking time out of your day to not do anything. For me as a student, that looks like intentionally setting aside time to not do school work: not think about it, not plan for it, and not do it. I've gotta admit, it's hard! Midterms were a couple of weeks ago, so I have been going nonstop for about three weeks now. Resting has, unfortunately, taken a bit of a back-seat to everything school related. I have had so much to do, and I was gone from school for about a week for a funeral, which means on top of preparing for midterms I was also playing catch-up. To make things even more fun, we do not have many holidays during the fall semester. We usually have a Study Day about mid-semester - a day in the middle of the week on which classes are cancelled and students have the opportunity to catch up on homework or rest in some way. Our Study Day this year has been lumped together with Thanksgiving break, which means no breaks from September 3rd to November 26th. I didn't realize how much I needed a break until I didn't get one!

This weekend, I was able to rest. But it was kind of an accident. Last weekend I had so many grand plans to get so much homework done, and almost none of them got accomplished. I had nothing else going on, but for some reason I just couldn't get everything done. Because of this, I was stressed all of last week. This weekend, a couple of friends came to visit me at school for a concert on Friday night. They stayed overnight and we spent Saturday together, hanging out at my apartment, taking a campus tour, and visiting downtown Pasadena to celebrate a birthday. I knew that they were coming, and I also knew that I had a lot of school work to get done as well. I couldn't really do school work while entertaining guests for the weekend, so I didn't worry about it. I did have to meet with some classmates for a group project due this week, but other than that I did absolutely no school work on Friday afternoon and Saturday. I didn't worry about it, I didn't think about all the things I had to get done for school, and for those two days I didn't do any of it (save the group presentation). I took the time to rest from school, even though I was doing other activities. And you know what? I feel so much less stressed this week! My anxiety level is far below where it was last week. I still have the same school responsibilities and things to keep up with, but taking the time to rest and give myself a break from the stress of school was much to my benefit.

Here is my takeaway: we often don't rest because we don't have time. How could we possibly fit in an intentional time of not doing anything related to what needs done when there is SO much that needs done!? The less we rest, the more busy and stressed we become. When we actually take the time to rest, our stress level goes down and we are able to get everything done more efficiently, and maybe even prioritize things. Some things may just go away (none of mine did, but I suppose it's possible). I have noticed the same thing is true in the intentional time I spend seeking God. The busier my life becomes with school and work and relationships, the less time I spend with God. But when I cut that time out, I don't become less busy. Instead, I become more busy and more stressed! I have learned that when I become more stressed and busy, I have to fight even harder to spend time with God, and even increase the amount of time I spend seeking His face.

"Come to me you who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest."

Grace and Peace,
Suz

Highs and Lows

Wow. So much has happened just in the last two weeks.

The UCO choir had the concert with the Angeles Chorale the second weekend of school, which was an amazing concert and time of ministry to the family of Justin Carr. The Angeles Chorale gave their first concert of the season, and UCO joined near the end of the concert, in a flash-mob in the middle of a piece. It was fantastic. After standing up and singing "I believe!" in the middle of the Credo of Robert Ray's Gospel Mass, we made our way down out of the audience onto the stage, where we finished the Gospel Mass with the Angeles Chorale and an ensemble of top-notch, highly sought-after musicians.

This past week was the fourth week of school, and over the weekend, UCO had our debut concert as UCO/34. It was fun to be on the "other side" of being a UCO member; last year I was so nervous about remembering all of the music and singing while standing amidst the audience, but this year I was able to enjoy it more because I knew what to expect.

My dad was able to come to our concert. It was the first actual UCO concert that he was able to attend. My parents were both able to go to Celebrate Christmas last year, which is the APU School of Music's yearly Christmas concert, but UCO usually goes out to churches on Sunday evening and ministers there. The debut concert was much more similar to one of our normal concerts, so I was very glad that my dad got to be part of that.

My mom was supposed to come as well, but my grandfather's health has been quickly failing over the past couple of weeks, so she flew to Missouri the prior weekend. She and my dad we able to come for dinner the night before she flew out, so we celebrated both our birthdays that night. I am glad she did fly out, because yesterday morning my grandfather died peacefully at his home in Missouri with my grandmother by his side. I desperately wish I had been able to visit my grandparents one more time before his passing. I am flying to Missouri tonight at 11 o'clock for the funeral that is taking place tomorrow afternoon. I will have the rest of the week to spend time with my family, which I am grateful for.

So the high, and the reason I couldn't fly to Missouri sooner this week: On Thursday night I got a text message from my choir director, John Sutton, saying that he had been asked to find some singers to accompany the LA Children's Choir at the opening concert for the 2014-2015 Los Angeles Philharmonic under Gustavo Dudamel. The concert is a John Williams celebration, and all of the music being performed is by him. We had a piano rehearsal yesterday with the children's choir and Dudamel, with John Williams himself there giving notes on the performance of the piece we were working on. There are 20 of us, from a few of the choirs Dr. Sutton directs, to give support and added depth to the piece the children's choir is performing. I am truly honored and amazed at this opportunity. Right now I am sitting in Starbucks, working on homework (sort of) in the in-between time of this morning's dress rehearsal and tonight's performance. They have worked in several surprises, which I am not allowed to disclose ;) but I am so excited for tonight's concert. We are sitting in the first two rows directly behind the orchestra, so we get to watch Dudamel conduct. Watching him in the hour-long rehearsal this morning brought me so much joy already, and I cannot wait to see and hear the rest of the program.

After tonight's concert, I am going straight to the airport to catch a red-eye flight to Missouri. The juxtaposition of these two events in my life is astounding. I am going from what is quite possibly the greatest amount of joy someone could experience apart from God, to the deepest sadness that a person could possibly experience. I see this concert as a wonderful opportunity, but also as a gift from God, saying, "My child, I love you so. For just a little while set aside your sorrow and allow me to bless you." And for that, I am truly grateful.

The link to the information about tonight's concert is here.

Members of APU choirs and the Angeles Chorale with Dr. Sutton last night at the rehearsal. Dr. Sutton chose this spot because of the epic photo of Dudamel in the back.

This is my life! How immensely blessed I feel!

Someday I will have a phone with a better camera on it. Until then, this is just going to have to do. This is John Williams, conducting the LA Phil on one of his pieces from Star Wars.

Grace and Peace,

Suzannah

First Week

This week is the first full week of classes. It has been quite a long time coming, because I have been at school for three full weeks already.

I moved in early to get music ready for UCO's choir camp. It took me two full days and two half days to sort through unfiled music from last year, file what we aren't using this year, pull all the music for camp this year, count and record it (and renumber it when necessary), and then put together 90 folders. It was actually kind of amazing. Once I got into the organizational zone, I was UNstoppable. It was great. And fun, I'm not gonna lie. Once I finished I had a chance to relax before heading to Dr. Sutton's house for a leadership meeting. It was a wonderful chance to get to know the leadership team for UCO this year. We have a great team! And when camp started, it soon became clear that there is a lot of potential in the choir this year. We had a fantastic choir last year, but there is potential for an even better choir this year. Since camp, we have added four new choir members. Right now we are getting ready for our first performance, which is THIS SATURDAY! With memorized music! We are singing with the Angeles Chorale, and there is a surprise involved. I'm not telling! I'll talk about it after it has happened. It is going to be fantastic.

The other big thing I have done is audition for Chamber Singers. This is an a capella mixed choir made up of the best of the best singers on campus. Michelle Jensen, the director, only takes about 30 people each year. Two summers ago, she took the group to an international competition in Austria where Chamber Singers represented the United States and swept all three competition categories, as well as won an additional award. By that standard, Chamber Singers is not only the best group on campus, but the best choir in the world. Because she wants the best of the best, the audition process is quite intensive.

I auditioned the day before classes started. I found out on Friday that I had made it into callbacks, and then Friday and Saturday had a D-Group Leaders retreat at a local church. The callback process involves learning a packet of music and then singing it in a rehearsal to the best of your ability. It also involves singing in quartets or octets (depending on the piece), switching when she tells you to and not missing a note while doing so. So I got the music for callbacks on Friday afternoon, but I couldn't start working on it until Saturday afternoon, unfortunately. It was a crazy weekend. There were two rehearsals organized by Chamber alums, and they were very helpful for getting an idea of what the piece is supposed to sound like with all of the parts. The assistant conductor also found us all of the recordings for the pieces, which was very helpful. In spite of being unable to practice the music until late Saturday afternoon, I felt very ready for callbacks when they happened Monday (last night). And it was so much fun! Because Michelle makes a point to select the best singers that she can find, most of the pieces already sounded fantastic at what was technically the first rehearsal of them. Not only does she select excellent singers, but she also selects wonderful music that is rich with color and rhythmic variations and picture-painting words. It's amazing. Now that I know those composers, I want to look into more of their works and their contemporaries' works.

The results of callbacks were posted this morning, which means Michelle and the Chamber Singers' leadership must have been in the music building after callbacks last night until they had a final list of this year's Chamber Singers. That or she did it early this morning. I suppose you would want to make decisions while the impressions of different people are still fresh in your mind. Unfortunately, I didn't make it into Chamber Singers this year. Honestly, I am thrilled that I even made it into callbacks. That at least tells me (as she said at the beginning of the rehearsal last night) that I at least have what it takes to get in. But Chamber Singers wouldn't be considered a chamber group if it was big. She can only let in so many people. Sure, I'm disappointed that I didn't make it, but its okay. Callbacks was an amazing experience, and so much fun. I don't regret trying. I can't wait to see what God has in store for me instead, and I can't wait for Chamber Singers' first concert, to hear what I got a chance to learn and what other repertoire has been selected for this year!

Grace and Peace,
Suzannah

Updates, Part 2

Updates, Part 1 is important because it gives an overview of my life last semester, which I failed to keep up with. Part 2, however, I think is more important because it brings you more up-to-pace with my life now.

As I mentioned in the other post, I had a hard time with school in the Spring. I just didn't want to be in school. I realize now that last school year was just a bad year overall transition-wise. After coming back from Germany, I had all of that to process and transition out of, while also transitioning back into American culture and dealing with reverse culture-shock. Then starting the fall semester, I went in knowing that after becoming so close with Kristen, I would only be able to see her about once a week when she was on campus for a few classes. There was also the looming, my-roommates-that-I-have-lived-with-for-four-years-are-graduating-without-me feeling. I realized a few weeks ago that one reason the Spring semester was so hard was because I was mourning those friendships I was about to lose. Apparently, I was trying to escape from that (hence the, I-want-to-pick-up-and-move-back-to-Europe feelings I had). I didn't know I was the flight rather than fight type.

So there was that. I was also mourning the imminent death of my grandfather, who is not doing very well health-wise. His health started going downhill quickly in the Spring, and I was unable to visit him this summer because the week my parents went was the week I was in Rhode Island for the wedding. A happy week, but overshadowed by missing out on precious family time. I'm still mourning that, and bracing myself for what's coming.

On top of all that, I absolutely hated Organic Chemistry. If the class was structured differently I think I would have understood more and done better, but it wasn't.

So there you go. I basically said all of that in the other post. So here comes the new stuff:

After four years of preparing myself to go to medical school and much longer of anticipation and mental preparation, this summer I decided that I am no longer going to pursue medicine.

The process to letting go of this calling actually started two years ago, when I wasn't taking a science at all because I was studying abroad in the Spring, and there wasn't really a point in taking the first half of a class and then coming back to finish the second half in the summer. So that whole year I was able to focus a little more on music. In Germany it was more like an intense focus on music, because the culture is so strongly influenced by the arts. Being there and then coming back and preparing to take a science again got me thinking about a life of doing music, instead of medicine. There you go. The wheels started turning, the ball started slowly rolling, and the thought in my mind began to grow and grow. Music became the only thing I wanted to do, but I sort of ignored that thought last Fall. Maybe I thought it would go away.

Then Organic Chemistry happened, and I hated life and didn't see how I could ever get into medical school with a C on my transcript in one of the only 4 classes I needed to get in. I was starting to give up, but I didn't want to give up completely on what I believed to be God's calling for me. That was the end of the Fall semester. I was so burnt out, and didn't get any rest or refreshing over Christmas break. Which leads to my post about last semester. Hop over that to the beginning of the summer.

So this summer, I was still processing. I had been back from Germany for a year, and I was still pretty much as confused as I was when I got back. About mid-semester, I was in Organic Chemistry in the Spring and I suddenly realized while sitting in class, "I am so glad I'm not a science major anymore." I made a decision almost four years ago to pursue music, and I am so happy with that decision. Thinking about that realization this summer, along with the desire to do something music related and the quickly growing absence of desire to do medicine, I started to consider ending my pursuit of a medical career. So when I was driving past the hospital one night with my dad after a movie with him and a couple of friends and I got a sick feeling at the idea of ever working in a place like that, all of the pieces finally fell into place. The thought of working in medicine put a huge, heavy weight around my neck and physically made me sick to my stomach. The thought of giving up medicine completely released the weight from my neck and made me feel lighter and free. I decided to fast and pray about it for a week. If by the end of the week I didn't feel any different about giving up medicine, I would go ahead with my decision. My feelings didn't change, so I did not study for the MCAT this summer and I did not enroll in the last science I would need to apply to medical school. I am so happy with my decision. I feel like now I can do anything I want. I have the whole world at my fingertips, which is terrifying for some, but is so freeing and exciting for me.

So that's where I am now. No longer pursuing medicine, but instead focusing intently on music this final year at APU. I don't know what I am going to do when I graduate. Maybe I will go back to Germany and teach music at a small school there, or maybe I will move to Washington and work in a coffee shop and take yoga and have my own garden and bees. Maybe I will go to culinary school, or maybe I will get a job in the music industry here in LA, or maybe I will get involved in music ministry. Maybe I will do some combination of those things, or maybe I will do none of them. Who knows? I can't wait to see what God brings me this school year, and where he takes me when it is over.

Grace and Peace,
Suzannah

Hannah's Wedding

School is starting soon, so I'd better get caught up from the summer before I run out of summer...

I lived with Hannah for four years at APU. We got paired randomly, along with Malia, freshman year, and then lived together all four years of their college careers. The summer between freshman and sophomore year, Hannah met Caleb (again), and they started dating. They had a long distance relationship (with Hannah in California and Caleb in Rhode Island) for the next three-ish years, dating and getting engaged the Christmas of junior year. This summer they got married!

(Just a warning, this will be a photo-heavy post. I took about 760, and I obviously can't post all of those.)

Let's begin at the beginning of the wedding celebrations: the bachelorette! We did a wine tasting at Newport Vineyards, and then drove over to a restaurant in Newport, Rhode Island that was quite close to the water front. Here is the group of ladies that was there!

The APU friends group, with the bride-to-be!

A wine tasting includes an explanation of the various processes that the winery uses to grow, make, age, and bottle wine.

So that was two days before the wedding. The next day was the rehearsal and rehearsal dinner, and it poured all day long because of Hurricane Arthur, which was hitting North Carolina and moving up the coast about that time. The best part about that (besides it raining all day, of course)? Because it rained all day the day before the wedding, the humidity was cleared up and the day of the wedding boasted beautiful weather.

Ok. Wedding day: July 5.

Hannah, her bridesmaids, and friends got ready at the church where the wedding was. When the time came, her sisters laced her into her dress:

Almost ready, with her bridesmaids around her.

After this, two of her friends from nursing school and I bowed out and went to find our seats.

Caleb's father, who is the minister of the church where Hannah and Caleb got married, performed the wedding. 

Finally a married couple!

Because Caleb has such a huge family, there was a small reception at the church immediately after the wedding for the entire church to attend, and then a separate reception at a different location for family and close friends.

Hannah's dance with her dad, Russ:

They danced to Brown-Eyed Girl, which was lovely.

Caleb and his mom danced to Another One Bites the Dust, because Caleb is the youngest of seven kids, and is the last to get married.

The wedding was beautiful, and the reception was lovely, but the best part was by far seeing a dear friend marry her best friend and the love of her life. Their relationship encourages me, and I can't wait to see what God has in store for them!

There were five other friends of Hannah's from APU that came to the wedding. They left for New York the following morning, and I stayed in Rhode Island for a couple more days. The day after the wedding, I got to spend some time with Gab and Ashley, A couple of Hannah's childhood friends. We went to various places around Wakefield, and I got to see more of the beautiful state of Rhode Island. We went to Point Judith Lighthouse and sat on the rocks for a while, enjoying the waves crashing on the rocks.

It was a beautiful, perfect day. After that we went to an Irish pub and had a late lunch. The pub was right on the water, and we got to sit upstairs on the deck with the sea-breeze cooling us off. So lovely.

After that, they took me to a place called The Umbrella Factory, which has quite a variety of things going on. There are a couple of greenhouses where you can buy various plants, several shops with local art and other fun things. I bought a lovely tree necklace, which I can't wear enough. They also have a goat, emus, chickens, and ducks that you can feed and pet. They also have a café where you can get lunch and other café-type things. We didn't go in there, so I can't speak for that so much.

Obviously, greenhouses mean lots of beautiful flowers to take photos of:

After that, we went to a place called Daddy's Bread, which is is bread shop that operates entirely on the honor system. Ashley's family owns it, and she bakes the bread that is sold. It is a small shop that you walk into, and there is no one there to take your money. The bread is on the shelves, and you leave money in a box for the bread you take. It's pretty cool that it actually works as well as it does; Ashley's grandfather started the shop and it has been in operation since 1975. 

There are slips of paper for people to leave notes for the shop - these are just some of them. There are also big binders full of letters and people signing in to say they were there if they want.

Just a few of the favorite notes that have been left.

Ashley's aunt lives behind the bread shop and keeps a horse and chickens, so we went to hang out with the horse for a little while.

I flew home a couple of days later, on the day of the FIFA World Cup final. I got to watch the Germany v. France game with the Kraines' on the day of the wedding rehearsal. We rooted for Germany, obviously. I was disappointed that my flight home was during the final, because I wanted to watch the game so badly. The game started while I was en route to Washington DC for my connecting flight to Las Vegas, which was several hours later. When I landed, the game was 30 minutes underway, and the score was already Germany 5, Brazil 0. I was amazed. I really thought Brazil would put up more of a flight than that, but watching the recap, it was clear they did not.

My trip to Rhode Island was lovely. I really like the East Coast. Everything is so green! I suppose if I am unable to move back to Europe when I graduate, the East Coast could be an option over Los Angeles.


Grace and Peace,
Suz :)

Updates, Part 1 - Photos

I thought about simply adding photos to the first update post, but I think I would rather do it this way.






The semester started out hopeful. Kristen and I went to a place in Chino Hills called Color Me Mine, and we painted mugs, which was so much fun.

Inside, it says "Just tea for me," which is an allusion to my favorite show, BBC's Sherlock.

I made Kaiserschmarrn for my roommates, along with homemade applesauce, both of which were sooo good. I found vanilla sugar, which is what they use in Germany rather than vanilla extract, at one of the local grocery stores. The recipe I have for Kaiserschmarrn calls for vanilla sugar, so I was thrilled when I found it.

Valentine's Day was on a Saturday this year, but the day before was actually a holiday for us, so a few girls and I got together and had a Valentine's Day tea party.

It was quite lovely! I made scones, someone made cucumber sandwiches, and someone brought her quite large collection of tea. Best Valentine's Day ever!

At the end of February/beginning of March, one of the worship classes I was in went on a trip to Henderson, Nevada to lead worship for the kick-off service of a church there. It was a wonderful opportunity for our class, and provided a beautiful environment for our class to get to know each other better. Most of us have had several other worship-major classes together, but hadn't spent much time together outside of those classes. Five of us from this class were also in another ministry class together the same semester. Getting together for this project led to us meeting on a regular basis to get dinner, creating more chances to get to know each other. I think all of us in this photo will be graduating together next May, so I'm excited to see how our relationships develop in the coming school year!

At the beginning of April, Kristen and I traveled to Westmont College in Santa Barbara to attend the senior recitals of Nattie and Megan, the other two girls we studied abroad with.

Nattie played oboe and English horn, and I was amazed at the progress she has made since last spring! She will be attending Cleveland State University in the fall to pursue her Master's degree in Music Performance. Megan gave a soprano voice recital, and sang as beautifully as I remembered her singing in Germany. She will be attending Oklahoma City University this fall to study Opera Performance. Remember her name: Megan Silberstein. Someday in the not-too-distant future, she is going to be a big deal in the music world.

The Saturday before finals started, my friends Anna and Chris got married. Finally. They were engaged for two (three?) years while Chris was deployed with the US Navy in Japan. He is now stationed closer to Ridgecrest, and he and Anna now have an apartment there. It was a beautiful wedding, and perhaps the most beautiful part was that their long years of waiting are finally over.

And then were finals. And graduation (hard week) and then tour. Perhaps tour will get it's own post next, but here are a few of photos from graduation:

Hannah and happy Dad!

Hannah and happy Caleb! (they're married now!!)

Hannah and happy roommate (me)

Me and Malia

Malia and her best friend David

So there you go. Some photographic highlights from the past semester. Up next on the updates: Hannah's wedding!

Grace and Peace,

Suz

Updates, Part 1

The last time I blogged was in December. The last time before that was October. I'm not very good at this whole keeping-up-with-blogging-on-a-regular-basis thing. Unless I do keep up with the months of silence at a time, which I suppose could be considered a "regular" basis.

My last post was a recap of the rest of fall semester. I was on Christmas break, and enjoying the month of vacation I had. Maybe I enjoyed it too much. Maybe I was burnt out (yes) and didn't recover properly (very likely). When I started classes again in January, I had no desire to do anything. I didn't want to read for classes or go to classes or study for tests. It wasn't just a "I don't really feel like it right now" feeling, but a complete apathy towards school. I have never in my life experienced something like this before. I have always been quite motivated and even excited for school in the past, but spring semester was a completely different story. It was weird. I contemplated that perhaps it was depression. I had a daily battle with the desire to drop everything, drop out of classes, hop on a plane, and move myself back to Europe to find a job in a coffee-shop. That was the only thing I desired. Seriously. To be a barista somewhere in Europe, preferably the in United Kingdom or Germany.

Well I didn't drop out of school. But I did finally go see a campus pastor at the end of January to start talking through what the heck was wrong with me. I met with Pastor Jannet about eight times, and I probably cried through our meeting five of those times. It was humiliating at first, but so necessary. We came to the conclusion that my desire to leave APU and return to Germany was stemming from a sense that when I was in Germany, I felt like it was where I belong - a feeling that has apparently been lacking most of my time at APU. The main reason for that has been that, because I have been dividing my time between science and music for the last four years, I haven't been able to really invest in relationships with people in either department. I didn't really fit in the science department because, well, I wasn't a science major, and was simply taking basic science classes to get into med school. But I also didn't really fit into the music department because, while music is my major, it's not my plan for after I graduate. It's a means to an end, almost like a hobby-major to get me a bachelor's degree so that I can apply for med school. So there you go.

So I basically pushed through the semester as best I could. I was taking the second semester of Organic Chemistry, which I still hated with a fiery passion that burned deep down inside my soul, but I did my best, and even pulled a B on one of the tests, which was a happy surprise, since I was sure I failed that test. I was taking 19 units again, although I was technically registered for 18. I didn't really have a choice. It was either take 19 units, or risk getting in trouble for not taking a class that my entry-year's catalogue says I don't have to take, but later catalogues say I must. Although, an actual 18 units would have still been way too much with Organic Chemistry contributing almost a third of those units.

One of the hardest parts of the semester, perhaps contributing to my desire to leave, was the looming fact that all four of my roommates, two of whom I lived with for all four years of APU, were graduating without me come May. Awesome. Don't mind me crying in the corner over here. Plus, another friend in the area is planning to move to France with YWAM sometime soon (originally it was the fall, but that may have changed now), so there go all my friends. Gosh, I need more friends. Good for me, God thought of that (or course he did!), and while I was letting go of my roommates all semester, I was making new friends, several of whom are in my major and I will be graduating with. Those friendships blossoming in such a hard time have been and will continue to be such a blessing to me.

So graduation came. It was a hard couple of weeks (dead week and finals week). I was a mess. Motivation was difficult. I was exhausted and burnt out. Each day I was hanging on until sleep-time. When finals did come, I had five, almost non-stop, on Monday, beginning at 7:30 in the morning and ending at 10 at night. I had three more after that, spread over the next three days, and I was finally finished at 8 PM on Thursday night. Finals were over, but the emotional roller-coaster of the week was far from over. Friday I had to pack my life up to get ready to move everything home with my parents on Saturday, while simultaneously packing for UCO tour, which began on Sunday afternoon. Friday I went to my roommate's pinning ceremony for nursing. Saturday, UCO sang for both the graduate and undergraduate graduations, which meant standing in the heat for about two and-a-half hours each time. Saturday our apartment was full of family members pretty much all day while my roommates and their families got ready for graduation. I did get to stay for the undergrad graduation after we were done singing, and I'm glad I did. Saturday night I was emotionally and physically exhausted. Sunday I said a very emotional goodbye to my roommates and then dragged my wheel-less suitcase to the trolley stop to leave for tour.

I made it through the semester with my GPA intact, if nothing else. It was sooo difficult. The circumstances of the past year and-a-half have led to where I am now, which I will go into more in the next post (hopefully tomorrow). And hopefully I'll add photos tomorrow as well!

Grace and Peace,
Suzannah

Finally A Light

I haven't blogged since October. Wow. A lot has happened since then. A lot of life. Good things, wonderful things, and not-so-fun things.

Remember back in September when I said I thought I was getting into a rhythm for school? Yeah, that was a lie. As I mentioned in October, 19 units is WAY too much for me. I feel like I have been played catch-up since October. And the past four weeks have been nearly hell. Nonstop. Assignments, reading, papers, projects, tests, performances. Yuck. So much. I went home for Thanksgiving this year for the first time in several years, because I knew starting the year that there would be no way I would be able to go to Mexico. I was so right. Wednesday night before Thanksgiving I was lying in bed, honestly thankful that I was lying my bed and not in a van driving to Mexico. I had so much to do just over that break (most of which didn't get done), because the week after Thanksgiving (last week) was Dead Week. 

Dead Week is the week before finals. It's called that because students are nearly dead by the end of the week trying to get new material and assignments taken care of for classes. And then we are plunged into finals, ready or not. But wait! THERE'S MORE! Not only did we have Dead Week the week after Thanksgiving break, but Celebrate Christmas was on the weekend following Dead Week! (In between Dead Week and finals).That means two rehearsals during the week where the concerts are held, and then a performance on Friday evening and two performances on Sunday. Which means Sunday was basically my only day to study for finals. Not TOO bad, right? Wrong! I took 7 final exams this semester, and had one project. One final (my O-Chem lab practical) was on the second day of Celebrate Christmas, so I was a bit late getting to Pasadena for that). The other SIX were on Monday and Tuesday. YAY. Ok, so six finals, two days, and then a project, and THEN you're done, right!? Nope, wrong again! UCO has three performances this week! Last night, we performed at the University Club in Pasadena, today we performed twelve flash mobs at LAX (which was SO much fun! I can't wait until next year!), and tomorrow we have a concert in Torrance. 

That's a lot. This has definitely been my hardest semester, and my hardest finals week. In the past I have had ten or eleven finals, but this semester's end has been so much harder than those semesters. But tonight, I finished and turned in my last project, so I have finally reached the light. I can go to tomorrow's concert without having to worry or think about anything that needs finishing. And Saturday I am going to Kristen's (my Heidelberg roommate) graduation party, and reconnecting with a friend I haven't seen in probably a year. (And going ice-skating for the first time in my life!). Saturday will be good. And then I will go home on Sunday. Hallelujah. I have a MONTH for Christmas break this year, and I'm going to enjoy every minute that I don't have an assignment or a test to prepare for.

Grace and Peace,

Suzannah

Mnozil Brass

As a music student, I have to attend a certain number of concerts per school year. The requirement has changed since my freshman year (to fewer, thank goodness), but it can still be challenging to fit it all in. Two of the concerts we have to attend are called Artist Concert Series concerts, which is basically where the School of Music (now the School of Music and the Arts... more another time) gets professional, usually very good, musicians to come to APU and give a free concert. There was one at the end of September/beginning of October featuring Dennis Azabagic, who is an amazing guitarist who has won twenty-four prizes in international competitions, eleven of which were first place. So, as you can see, the SoM does a good job getting really good musicians for us.

Tonight was no exception. The Austrian brass septet Mnozil Brass came and gave an invite-only performance. Literally. You had to be on the list to even get into the performance hall. It's the first time that I know of that the SoM has actually had to have a list of people who are allowed into a concert. People from around the US who are fans of Mnozil Brass somehow found out about the concert here, and were calling APU about getting tickets and flying to LA just for the concert. No joke. So the SoM had to limit who could attend. If you weren't on the list, you didn't get in.

Normally I have class on Wednesday nights, but we were able to convince our professor to cancel class. It wasn't hard at all. He was glad to be able to go home three hours earlier than he expected.

I'm not going to go into detail about Mnozil Brass (pronounced like "nozzle") because it's late and I want to go to bed. Let me just say this: they are amazing. If you ever have a chance to see them live, GO. Don't miss it. They should be on your concert bucket list, even if you aren't really the kind of person to enjoy brass music.

I took some photos that don't really do much justice because: 1) they are photos not videos, and 2) I had to use my phone, which doesn't have an amazing camera.

So, this is the best photo I have of the whole group. I realized when I got home that I didn't get one of them all lined up...

While he (the one in the center above) was playing, four of the guys came over, picked him up, and then proceeded to play as well. So he was playing while lying flat, which is amazing:

And the rest of the guys were still playing as well.

Later... I saw a video of this on YouTube, and was really hoping they would do it. They did :)

Basically, the same guy sat in a chair, and then proceeded to play four instruments at once:

And then his chair gets taken away.

Hopefully that has sparked your interest. There is a link to the video on YouTube at the bottom :) Go watch it, it will make your day.

Last thing: They did brass arrangements for pop songs. This is clearly Michael Jackson's "Thriller." They also did a tribute to Queen, and some other pop songs. It was hilarious. And amazing. And totally worth money to see again.

They have been described as a mix between brass and Monte Python, which is exactly right.

As promised, here is the video. Enjoy!

Have a wonderful Thursday!

Grace and Peace,
Suz :)

Love vs. Hate

If you have been aware of the local SoCal news lately, then you'll know that last month there was a bit of a scandal at APU over a professor. It was kind of blown out of proportion by people sort of involved, but it was a mutual decision between the school and the professor for the professor to leave. The scandal came when the local news media got with of the situation and exploited it for their own benefit, even to the point of trespassing onto campus, playing into the already hot-topic in our society.

But that's not the issue I have. Well, mostly. The issues I have stem from our society's obsession with offense and hot-topic issues like gay rights, and the mentality that people seem to have that if someone isn't with you, then they are clearly against you, and therefore you have the right to hate them.

Here is the basic situation: There was a professor who taught Bible classes here for several years who was born a woman, but identifies herself as a man. She kept this to herself because transgenderism was considered a mental disease until very recently. Then when transgernderism was declassified from a disease and recognized as a thing, she came out as transgender, and entered into conversation with the university about working at APU. Because APU is a private university, they can set their beliefs and hire/fire accordingly. Because APU's doctrine does not match that of the professor's, both decided to part ways, so that the professor could work at a place that better matches her doctrine. She is not teaching her classes here at APU for the remainder of the semester (she was replaced by someone else), but is receiving her pay for the rest of the semester.

There it is. Shortly after this happened, the LGBTQ alliance on campus found out about it and started a petition to try to get the professor to be able to retain her job. To be honest, that did irritate me a little bit, because it assumes that APU has the same standards as other universities, and it does not. I have personal beliefs about sexual orientation that definitely go against the norm of society today, but that's not the point of this post. Despite what I think, I DO NOT think that people who identify themselves as LGBTQ should be treated any differently by the church than those who do not. God's grace covers EVERYONE, even those that we may not agree with or think shouldn't deserve it. The fact is, NONE of us deserve God's grace. That's why it's called grace. The attitude of some churches towards homosexuals as, "You are sinning and God hates you and if you don't change your ways you will go to Hell" is wrong and does not display God's love. No wonder people don't want to be part of the church. Why would I want to go to a place that tells me that God hates me, and then turns around and tells others that God loves them? It is dealing out God's judgement in a way that I don't think is right. We should be loving people into the Kingdom of God, not trying to scare them out of Hell. There's enough hate everywhere else. Let's try love instead.
(Ok, off my soapbox now...)

That wasn't my point of this post.

Here is my point:
The actions of the LGBTQ alliance on campus seemed to alienate themselves from the rest of the student body. As I mentioned, there was a little bit of an attitude of, if you're not with us you're against us, and therefore we have a right to hate you. I know students on both sides of this divide (LGBTQ members/supporters and nonmembers/supporters), and I love them all. It's not my place to hate. The alliance did a demonstration on campus a couple of weeks ago, and they made T-shirts and sat together in one section in chapel and then did something on West Campus, although after chapel I wasn't on that campus anymore, so I don't know what. My issue boils down to the fact that it was so segregated, and there seems to me to be no room for someone to have a different opinion or disagree with their actions, but still love the actual person. I feel like if I were to, on that day of the demonstration, go to someone wearing one of those T-shirts and say that I don't agree with them, they would probably say something along the lines that I am a terrible person who doesn't care about equality, and therefore they don't want anything to do with me. It seems that there is no room for discussion that results in people agreeing to disagree, but still recognizing God's grace and love abound in both people's lives. Our society and especially my generation is so obsessed with finding people that are like us that we don't really know how to civilly interact with people who are different from us.

To be fair, I didn't actually talk to any of the people wearing shirts. My expectation could have been countered by exactly what I am vying for.

Another issue I have stems from our society's obsession with being offended. People are so concerned with being politically correct about EVERYTHING, because they know how ready people are to be offended. Sometimes it almost seems to have to do with pride: like people are proud that they are offended about something. And if something goes against what someone believes and they don't get offended by it, other people get offended for them. I have actually seen this, someone saying, "That doesn't offend you!? I'm offended FOR you!" Really? Why? Why are we SO obsessed with living offended lives? Don't you think that life would be better and even easier if we try to live unoffended? This whole concept just baffles me.

Ok last thing: One of the issues I had with the news teams showing up on campus was the fact that they expected everyone to have an opinion on the issue. They came onto campus (without permission, with is trespassing) and started stopping students on their way to class to ask them questions about the issue. When this happened, the issue was still pretty fresh and a lot of people didn't know all of the particulars about the situation, and therefore hadn't formed opinions yet. My roommate was stopped by the news team, and when she said she didn't have an opinion, they pressured her to make one right there on the spot. It was out of the question that she not have an opinion. This isn't an isolated incident; it's a mentality that is prevalent within our society. If you don't have an opinion about something, then you'd better make one fast, no matter if it is ill-informed and you don't know all of the details and circumstances. I feel the same thing has happened with the war happening in Syria and the US's talk of getting involved. Why is our culture so obsessed with having an opinion and "knowing?" Why is it a bad thing to "not know?" It drives me crazy, because it doesn't give people the chance to critically think about the world around, or for some people it gives them an excuse not to critically think about it. Just like with the previous issue, I don't have any proposed solutions, but I do think people should be more aware of these issues, and maybe think for themselves a little more.

This revelation was just completed for me this morning as I was leaving chapel. I didn't form an opinion before this, because I needed time to process it. And I know it is pretty controversial, and could cause back-lash. But I felt it needed to be said, and this seems like a more appropriate platform to do so, rather than Facebook.

So there it is. Have a marvelous weekend everyone!
Grace and Peace,
Suzannah

The World Spins On

The past 5 days or so have been cram-packed with studying and desperately trying to keep up with homework assignments. I finally had a break today, since the test I was studying for was this morning and I decided to step away from homework for a moment. Also, I was hungry and it was dinner-time.

I got food on campus tonight because, since I have been so busy with studying and homework, I haven't had time to go to the store. Literally no time. I feel like I have been planning my days to the minute since Friday. Or maybe Thursday. Anyways, time for grocery shopping didn't make the cut, so now I have random things that don't really go together. For example, Monday night I went to make dinner (since I didn't have time to go on campus and get some), and I decided to cook some quinoa and then put Swiss cheese and deli meat in it. Because I don't have bread. In case you are wondering, quinoa, Swiss cheese, and deli meat don't go together. Just take my word for it.

So anyways, I went on campus tonight for dinner. Well, I went and got dinner and then went back to my apartment to eat, but I did leave my apartment, and that's the important part. It was kind of early for dinner, so there weren't yet crowds of people getting dinner, and I think it must have been during a class time, because there were very few people out on the main part of campus.

When I was walking back, the sun was at the point in the sky where it is still light out, but it was starting to go behind the trees, so one could see fine without sunglasses and the glare that early evening sunlight can cause. As I was walking down a footpath to get to the sidewalk, I was for some reason taken back to Hauptstraße in Heidelberg, and it hit me all over again: I miss Germany. Not like, "Oh, that was a nice time, I wish I could be back there." More like a longing to be back in Heidelberg and living once more in Europe. 

I must admit, this does partly stem from the fact that just before I went to get dinner, I was roaming around the internet and found the blog of someone who is currently living in France for a year. So that easily got the ball rolling for me to miss Germany. But the conditions were just right when I was walking back with my dinner to strike longing in my heart.

I suppose part of the reason could be coming from the fact that I am so overwhelmed this semester. 19 units is too much for me. Honestly. I don't know how well I will be able to finish the semester, because it seems that every week is a struggle to get things done enough that I can manage to get through a lecture or an assignment. I can't get ahead because I can't keep up. That's frustrating for me, because I'm the type of person that likes to get ahead on assignments so that I can have time to relax and not worry about classes. I long for a week of no classes and no homework so that I can just rest.

That's my life these days. I'm making the best I can, but it is pretty hard sometimes.

Grace and Peace,

Suzannah

Be Present

Be present where you are. Don't be constantly looking forward or backward with longing, but rather live life right now, today, with the people that are with you now.

This is a huge theme in my life right now. Huge. It seems like everywhere I go, being present is the topic. Chapel: Live your life where God has placed you now, instead of constantly waiting for some thing to happen that makes your life significant. Senior chapel: enjoy senior year and the time you have left at APU! A random song in a friend's car: Sieze the day! UCO: Make an effort to get to know the people you are in this group with! Be intentional! A conference I went to: Invest in the relationships around you, in Jesus' name!

Ok, ok, I get it. Now what does it look like? God has been drilling this into my head ever-so-gently since I have been back at school, and I think I understand why. I am CONSTANTLY looking back at some time that was great and comparing right now with back then. The most obvious thing in my life I could do this with right now is Heidelberg. I could just live my life this year dreaming about my time there and thinking about what I can do to get back, instead of leaving dream-world and forming relationships with the people next to me and enjoying the things in my life right now. I am also CONSTANTLY looking forward to some other time... When I'm older I'll be/things will be this way or that way. I'll take action when things get to be that way. No. That's a terrible way to live, because life passes by faster that way, and then things never get to be "that way." Anticipation isn't all bad, but if it is distracting you from life at hand, it can be dangerous.

So that's where I am. Taking on this task that God has apparently appointed me: to BE PRESENT.

Grace and Peace!
Suzannah

Getting Into a Rhythm

Today is the end of our second full week of classes, and I think I am finally finding a rhythm for the semester. My petition to add a 19th unit was approved, and I got the class approved and added the day before the add/drop date. Talk about getting down to the wire. I know there are other people who were trying to add classes up to that last day, so I appreciate that I at least got it done that Thursday. It never ceases to amaze me how helpful people are. Even when they do the same thing all day over and over, and the process becomes obvious to them, and they sometimes deal with people who are rude and ungrateful... They are still patient and gracious! It's such a blessing.

This week has been pretty nonstop. Well, the beginning was. I may have found a rhythm, but it's a bit choppy still, and often it depends upon variables I can't always control, like a productive weekend or less reading than I had anticipated. I have a rhythm, but I still don't quite have everything well balanced. I have a couple of classes that are only once a week, so I have to remember to balance those in with classes I have two or three times a week. I'm getting there, but I'm not on top of it quite yet. Actually, I got behind the first weekend of classes, and then last weekend I was still trying to catch up. I didn't get as caught up as I needed to, causing a bit of a scramble at the beginning of the week. I should have more time this weekend, and I think I have a bit less to do.

This morning was beautiful. It was cool, about 66º, and overcast. Actually, I guess it was closer to foggy than overcast. It was a perfect tea day. In fact, I got out of class a bit early and didn't have to go to chapel, so I walked home and had a nice brew. Even though I got my first Organic Chemistry test back and did much worse than I should have, I've still had quite a lovely day. Tea does that. And a good attitude, even though my test grade could have ruined my day and weekend. Instead, I'm looking forward to a nice evening and productive, enjoyable evening. :)

Grace and Peace!
Suz :)

A Fresh Start

I moved into my apartment at school last Saturday, almost a week ago now. So much has happened since then.

Sunday night was the start of choir camp for University Choir and Orchestra (UCO), which I am singing in this year. That was a bit overwhelming. All of the returners greeted us with loud noises and applause as we walked into room 111, where rehearsals are held. It felt a bit like freshman year. Orientation for the freshman starts today, and when they arrive on campus they are met immediately by jumping, screaming, excited student leaders. Then when they get to their dorm, they are met by more of that from their RAs. That's more extreme than what I experienced on Sunday night, but it definitely reminded me of freshman year.

We started learning music that night. Rehearsal was three hours that night, and then on Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday we had twelve hour rehearsals. Each day was filled with singing, laughing, and getting to know each other. On Tuesday UCO joined Male Choral (all men) and Bel Canto (all women) to work on pieces we will be singing together for Dinner Rally, which is a huge fundraiser that takes place at the end of September this year.

Wednesday rehearsal was cut a little short, and the choir met in the evening at our director's house for fellowship and gelato. Real Italian gelato. It was delicious. The man who makes it is Italian and studied gelato-making in Italy. Need I say more? It was a very lovely evening. We sang a couple of songs from memory near the end of the evening, and then continued hanging out for a while more.

This is where it gets fun. Dr. Sutton, our director, lives in Altadena at pretty much the top of the hill. My car didn't like the hill very much. When I got in my car to leave, it wouldn't start. I thought it was the battery, so I went to find someone to jumpstart my car so I could be on my way. The two guys that came to help me said it didn't sound like my battery, but instead more like the alternator. I tried turning on the car again and it started, but it was definitely not making the same sounds it usually does. I checked the oil, and the dipstick was reading that there was no oil in the oil pan, which of course means NO DRIVING THE CAR. We had to go find oil and then go back and put it in the car. After I put three quarts of oil in the car, we left, and the guys followed me back to school to make sure I got there alright.

The next morning (yesterday) UCO sang at a faculty-staff kickoff bright and early, so I couldn't check the car until I got back. Ok, so, you know on a dipstick there are two dots, to gauge how full the oil pan is? I pulled out my dipstick and checked it, and the oil was one and-a-half inches above the top dot! I couldn't believe it. I checked it again just to be sure. Nope. I was reading it correctly. I didn't understand. Here's what my dad and I now think happened. When I checked the oil in the car on Wednesday night, the car was sitting on a hill, so that the driver's side of the car was higher than the passenger's side. The dipstick in my car (I don't know if this is true for every car) is on the driver's side. So, the oil must have sloshed to one side so that it wasn't touching the dipstick at all. Now I can't drive the car until I get some of that oil out, which I am not equipped to do. Plus, we need figure out what is going on with the alternator before I drive it very far away from school and risk getting stranded somewhere.

So this is a fun adventure. I spent the rest of the day getting things out of storage and then putting kitchen things away and decorating the apartment. There is still more in storage: a couch, our TV, my shower curtain. That's right, I still don't have my shower curtain. Let's just say it's been an adventure. And my bathtub is too small for my tall self. We are supposed to be getting the rest of everything out of storage tomorrow. And since today is orientation, I have the opportunity to get free food for dinner. Yay!

Grace and Peace,
Suzannah

Summer Projects: Finished

Tomorrow I leave for school. Today I wrapped up my summer projects. Finally.

Let's start with the chair. This $5 thrift store find became a time-consuming semi-nightmare. It's true. I couldn't have picked a worse fabric. Anyways, I learned my lesson: I will never make a slipcover out of geometric fabric again. There are too many places to match that don't end up matching. The fabric has to be cut just the right way. The chair back isn't a perfect rectangle; the width tapers down to the bottom, so that the top is wider than the bottom. Because of that, we couldn't just sew down both sides, because then the slipcover wouldn't go on. So, we put in a zipper. Easy fix. Sort of.

So there you go! Finished! I'm quite happy with it, even though it gave us a bit of trouble.

Now the painting. I mentioned the other day that I wasn't completely happy with the way the canvas turned out, so I repainted it, and then added the dandelion detail to it. That part was pretty easy compared to the text. The last time I painted a canvas like this, which was for a friend, I made a stencil for the lettering, and then traced it onto the canvas, and then painted it. I didn't have time for that this time around. I had to do it all free-hand. All of it. As I've already mentioned in the past, I'm a bit of a perfectionist, so doing all of the lettering free-hand was so nerve-wracking. Now it's finished, and I'm quite happy with the results.

This canvas was also a thrift store find. It was a blank canvas when I bought it, and it was still shrink-wrapped. I sat with it for about two months trying to get inspired. Then when I got my new phone, I was looking at phone cases and I came across a wooden one with dandelions carved into. Then I thought about the background behind it, and deciding on a sunburst was pretty easy. I had decided on the first line of the doxology before that, so my inspiration was complete. I love the doxology, so that was an easy pick.

There you go! Summer projects are complete. This painting will hang above the couch in my apartment this year, unless there is already something hanging there when I move in tomorrow. If there is, I'll just find another place for it!

Grace and Peace,
Suzannah